The Hilary Quotes of Steven Wright:

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back

Half the people are below average

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot!

6 – A conservation is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good

7 – A clear conscience is widely the sign of a bad memory. (If you’re proud of your conscience, that’s a sign of diminished memory in most cases.) *Memory beautification

If you want the rainbow, you get to put up with the rain

9 – All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse get the cheese

I most had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of the dark

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
(How do you know you’re out of transparent ink?)

If everything goes well, you have everything looked over

15 – Depression is aely angler with out enthusiasm. (Depression is insecure anger.)

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
(Ambitiousness is a weak excuse for not being able to afford to be lazy.)

Hard work pays off the future

19 – I’m about to live forever… So far, so good

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? *Barbie’s name is Bobby and Friends

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get caught in jet engines

What if you get scared half to death twice

23 – My mechanical toad me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn loud.” (My mechanic said, “I can’t fix your car’s brakes. I turned up the claxon sound instead.”)

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

26 – A confession is the place where you got tired of thinking

27 – Experience is something you don’t get it just after you need it

28 – The hardness of the batter is professional to the softness of the bread

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

30 – The problem with the gene pool